Honestly, as I stare at this blank screen with mind reeling, I don't know where to start and yet there's so much. I guess the best way to say this is that I'm on a new journey. Is it one I have chosen for myself? Yes... and no. I want to set the stage for you recapping a bit of my past as well as bringing you up to date.
Do know that this is
my story - all mine. It's no one else's story, nor am I making decisions for others and putting my ideas on someone else. This is for me to share with you in hopes that you'll glean from my life's experiences. And ultimately that we can grow together.
DO NOT make suggestions to me about what I should do because, trust me, I'm doing all the things.
Many of you have been with me since I started my blog and business since 2012, and I can't thank you enough for sticking around. However, many of you are fairly new here and I want to do as all good family members do - bring you into the fold and share my heart. Many of you have been wondering how I'm doing, and I have been waiting for the best time to share. I'll be writing part of it and also sharing my thoughts in video as well as I start with life update 1.
THE PAST
First, let's begin by understanding how I got here and why I'm on a new journey. As a homeschooling mother to six amazing children and also as a self-taught entrepreneur, I have shared much of my story in past posts. Here's a sampling of a few to catch you up to speed:
Not only am I a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior, but I also became a believer as a very young adult. And with that comes the belief in marriage until death. That is, if there are no reasons for divorce except for adultery and abandonment -
or so I thought. Today, I'm writing as a single mother who has learned much more about myself, my Lord, and those around me.
As mentioned in the previous posts, in 2022 God led me to a discovery of understanding that all the years of trying to understand why my marriage was faltering was the lack of knowing I was married to
an autistic man. I share that discovery in the posts above and how it affected me, and my children. In addition, I now understand there is neurodivergence within my children.
You see, I know there are labels for neurodivergent and neurotypical. But the more I study, the more I don't think there's a "typical" anything. Everyone has baggage and everyone is shaped by their experiences and genetics from birth on.
RECENT PAST
When I last wrote about my situation, I was at a crossroads of sorts. In the last two and a half years I have been living together but in a separated marriage. To start, I allow time for any effort shown in understanding of ASD¹ and how it affects
all in a relationship. After a year of waiting and continuous study, I find that there is another piece to the puzzle.
In my initial posts about my discovery of autism, and also misinformation I was taught within the church, I got a reader comment that stung. At first, it offended me but having been in this business, I knew to tuck it away and reread it at a later time. I analyzed her accusations and even shared it with professionals within the ASD world. All agreed she was in the wrong. However, I couldn't get past something she said that aligned with my research.
Apparently, it is highly common I chose someone with ASD traits because of my family of origin. What I mean is that someone on the spectrum would replicate what I was raised to understand about myself and relationships.
MOVING OUT - SORT OF
In addition, as a part of a new journey, I moved out of the master bedroom and into
my mudroom closet. I've spent the last two years sleeping in here on a concrete floor without direct heat/cooling source and continue to do so. I can explain more on that another time.
At one point in that first year, I felt it time to ask God to reveal to me my origin issues. It was important to me that I was ready so I could process it all. That day I was getting to spend time with one of my children while the others were out. We enjoyed dinner at home from a local restaurant. Little did I know that the sandwich I had would contain tainted spinach. By early evening I began to feel aches in my lower back and extremities.
At bedtime when crawling into my mattress, I stopped and told God I was ready to understand about my family of origin. It was at that moment the answer came to me via my social media (of all places). An article with video about a daughter growing up with a narcissistic parent came into my feed. I am perplexed but click on it with curiosity... narcissism? I don't take using that term lightly. {{deep breath}} I read the entire thing in tears and mind blown. It spoke my life, it spoke my experiences, and it made my head spin. Instantly, all the awful memories and past pain came to the surface with mighty unbelief. I began to write them down as I processed and grieved. This is the second time I go through an excruciating grief period. First, my husband and my children, and now this.
THAT DAY CHANGED EVERYTHING
Again, I will not elaborate on this much at this point because flying monkeys² are everywhere. And I know my weaknesses are used against me. Upon learning of this information that night and the huge stress combined with the E. Coli poisoning, I ended up getting reactive arthritis. All of my joints are swollen and aching for a few weeks. When I went to urgent care, the doctor didn't even look at me and said it was hormones. Yeah, I randomly swell up like a puffer fish and it's normal. And how funny it is that there were other reports of the same issues from the same local restaurant.
So, over the last year and a half, I have been inhaling information about ASD and narcissism³. In addition, I've made many profound realizations that I know without a doubt God is leading me out of the desert. Now, you may wonder why the ASD and narcissism association. Well, it is often that someone on the spectrum is misinterpreted to be a narc because of their common traits. However, an ASD person does not always know they're hurting someone while a narcissist certainly does. A narcissist will do things on purpose to cause pain to gain supply. There are various reasons a person becomes a narcissist but they all stem from their own childhood⁴.
My "narc training" as I call it, trained me to look for a relationship that mimicked what I was raised with but without quite all the red flags. This has been a journey of extreme pain and also growth. I'm learning how many toxic people surrounded me, that I lived a life of epic Scapegoat⁵ proportions, how to set healthy boundaries, and how to re-parent the little Larissa.
DISSOLUTION
Over the second year, there is a point I request a dissolution⁶ after 30 years in this relationship. To say this entire process has been painful for all is an understatement. My request went untouched for many months. Remember that also during this time I learned about ASD in relation to my children and trying my best to learn and learn and learn. As of now, I am a single mother that is trying to find out about herself while trying to help everyone cope with it all.
I am/was not healthy for him, and he is not healthy for me. The difference is one of us is working to learn and heal. We were 16 and 17 years old when we first dated - we had no idea each of us had "baggage".
What's also amazing (sarcasm inserted here), not one person who knew of my court date asked me how I am doing. I only told a few select people to ask them to pray. I now know who my friends aren't.
Here's more in video form so you can hear from me.
While writing this is extremely hard as I have to revisit these issues, do know that with pain I am growing. I never in my hopes and dreams would have asked for anything like this. Considering the fact that I took this super slow for everyone concerned allowed the transition to happen in a palatable way.
EMPTYING NEST
Many of you mamas can relate to your nest emptying, but in the last six months three important people have left my home. My two oldest are receiving blessings beyond measure with answers to prayer as they fledge. God is working in each and every detail. What's completely wonderful to me is that my kids are willing to learn about themselves and ASD, as well as what my life of abuse presents. They have my back 100%. Unlike friends and family that I've had to cut out of my life who only used me. NEVER AGAIN.
At this same time, I am left to process being on my own although I am living as a single married mother for a couple of decades. Just over a month ago while he was moving out (which was enough to process on its own) he also did as I figured he would do. I know him so well and how he would react no matter how hard I tried to get him to prepare. He sent a self-focused text panic that sent me back in to my bilateral vertigo. If you recall, I had this vertigo for over a year after
my supposed strokes that I now know are from emotional abuse from many sources. ⁷
SPINNING
If you've ever had vertigo, you know it's very debilitating. Not only is my balance affected but also my vision and hearing. No, it's not because of crystals in my ears being out of whack or I need a chiropractic adjustment. Yes, those things are helpful when the vertigo comes in different forms other than trauma. This is my body's response to the junk I've faced and am facing. I also have CPTSD and have had it for most of my life, just didn't know it. What is more, the reactive arthritis comes back at times when I'm heavily stressed.
I recently shared a meme that read, "Do you know how much trauma it took me to be this funny?" Truth. My family of origin has an amazing sense of humor, and we hide the trauma well. My laugh at this moment is that
my barefoot journey has allowed me to strengthen, not only my feet, but my whole chain so that I don't tip as easily as I did last time. I'm so thankful to God for that!
Currently, on my new journey I spin and float through the day and through the night. What's also interesting is that you feel as if you're being pressed down with different gravity. And my runs are not as fun at the moment - sigh. No worries, however, as I know what cures this and my body just needs to work to reestablish my vestibular system and heal.
MOVING FORWARD
With that, I want to invite you to continue with me on a new journey. I covet your prayers for all in my family as there is necessary generational healing. The buck stops here with me. Not only am I determined to make good of my last days on this earth, but I also want my children to flourish. As I look to new posts in the future, I would like to hear from you. If you would take a minute to fill out this super quick survey of questions you may like to ask me, I will answer them in upcoming posts.
Thank you for beginning a new journey with me, for taking the time to listen, . Hopefully, you'll lift up my family and I as we heal. It's a hard process for all of us, extended family included. We are grateful to God for His goodness and mercy.
SHARE
Maybe you or you know others needing a new journey of their own. Or maybe you're already on one. I invite you to share this post so we can all heal.
Here's to not giving up despite the challenges and beginning a new journey.
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RESOURCES FOR A NEW JOURNEY
- Dr. Ramani Durvasala - world renown New York Times bestselling author and professor who helps people heal from narcissistic relationships. Her latest book - It's Not You.
- The Healing Daughter - is dedicated to helping women who have been raised by narcissistic mothers. They offer a safe, supportive community and a structured, trauma-informed 5-step healing process that helps daughters break free from the deep emotional wounds caused by their upbringing.
- Dr. Jerry Wise - his unique approach is tailored for adults from narcissistic, dysfunctional, or emotionally immature families, addressing the deep and lifelong challenges that most self-help advice fails. (video HERE) He can speak from his own narcissistic parent upbringing. Offers free training!
- Dr. Les Carter - he provides insights about narcissism via his courses, webinars, podcasts, videos and more. His goal is simple: explain narcissism and its powerful impact upon relationships, then offer alternatives for healthy living.
- Jodi Carlton - a leading world expert in neurodiverse relationship dynamics and communication. She also specializes in therapy for those in neurodiverse relationships as well as healing from narcissistic parent abuse. She has lived this herself and also marries men on the spectrum. In addition, she is a mother with neurodiverse children. She works with you on therapy payment.
- Dr. Meg Haworth - holistic wellness for narcissistic abuse survivors, including how your childhood directly affects your adult health and how to heal.
- Leslie Vernick - Biblical relationship coach that also had an unhealthy mother. Offers virtual coaching and oodles of free blogs, podcasts, videos as resources. Her team is amazing.
- Jay Reid - individual psychotherapy and coaching to heal from narcissistic abuse.
FOOTNOTES FOR A NEW JOURNEY
- ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder - Autism spectrum disorder is a neurological and developmental disorder that affects how people interact with others, communicate, learn, and behave.
- Flying monkey - A “flying monkey” is a person who supports the narcissist in their smear campaigns, manipulations, and efforts to control or punish their target.
- ASD vs Narcissism
- NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder - causes and symptoms
- Scapegoat - in the context of narcissism, the scapegoat is someone who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, and faults of others.
- Dissolution - A dissolution of marriage is an action where the parties mutually agree to terminate their marriage.
- The Body Keeps the Score
A few more articles related to a new journey - life update 1:
