However, I am not sharing to lay blame or be self-focused. As mentioned in my Intro to My Neurodiverse Marriage, neither JC nor I knew he is on the spectrum for high functioning autism. I cannot speak for him, but I can share what I've felt from my perspective. Keep in mind, we've been living with this unknown difference for 27.5 years. What is more, not one person can pass judgement or say anything to me unless they've lived one day or year of my life. Not only have a I found out I will never have the marriage I dreamed of, but also that some of my 6 children are also on the autism spectrum. My world is officially rocked.
I do not take lightly the promise of a covenantal marriage in any form, which is why I'm still married presently. However, after learning more about autism, more about emotional abuse, lies within the evangelical church, I feel I need to share more of my journey. I don't want anyone else feeling trapped. Without a doubt so many of you are reaching out to me and sharing your stories. That alone is affirming my painful story is also yours. In addition, I will have a video filling in where my writing can't convey properly.
WHERE TO BEGIN
I sit here trying to focus at 3 am because my mind is reeling on how to keep this centered on hope. While JC is in denial of autism for himself or his children, I am doing what is right for ME. That's monumental for me to say that. You see, as mentioned in Part 1, as a neurotypical wife, I have lost myself in my marriage and as a mother. Codependency along with lack of emotional reciprocity within marriage and family leaves a shell of a person. Same as in my last post, you'll see a * when I believe this is autism. Following that, I'll share links and a summation of what is a better outcome if both parties are willing to accept and learn. Many of you are wondering about my children and I am sharing on that in the near future. I will be learning about all of this until the day I die. We all should never stop learning, right?summation: 5 Signs Your Male Partner May be Autistic by Jodi Carlton - a neurodiverse relationship counselor
YEAR 10
It was sometime around our 10-year anniversary in June that it really hit me I am the only one investing in our marriage. Before that, in May, I decided to make a huge effort for his mother on Mother's Day. JC is an only child from his parents but has a half-brother on one side and a half-brother and sister on the other. In light of the event, I plan to bring food and ask JC to get his brother and sister to prepare something to go with it. With a surprise as the focus, it's all set, and we head to visit. While there, JC is requested to say a prayer over the meal (this is not the norm in his family). Before he prays his stepdad says a thank you to the "important mothers" - my husband's grandmother and his mother. It left me stunned. I've shared a snippet of my journey in his family in this previous post. The reality of my place within their family, as I had always assumed, but never let myself believe, is realized. That Mother's Day I went home on fire. I purchase my ten-dollar domain to begin to find ME via my blog. I know I have more to offer than I was allowing myself. There is I have more to share, and I am worth recognizing. Larissa has value. My life is worth more than pleasing others. Only God knew what was going to become of that menial purchase. You see, this is also the time I gave birth to our stillborn daughter the November before that June.
PRECIOUS BABES
Gabriella is my daughter that JC never talks about, never remembers her death nor my miscarriage the following year near Mother's Day. Needless to say, I don't care for Mother's Day and don't celebrate it, but rather ask my kids to love on me every day. The kids and I go to her grave alone to celebrate the promise we'll be together one day. I'm not huge on visiting graves because there's nothing there, but for my kids I go. I know my babies are in the safest arms of Jesus waiting for me one day. In the first years of Gabriella's passing, I would remind him, but after him showing no interest, I decide to not say a word. He never remembers. * To my amazement folks, this last November was the first time I was not in depression over the day. I felt peace...a deep peace. Why? Because I let go of my codependency and my marriage as I chose to separate from JC when he would not even try to understand autism last June. Funny thing is, I had no idea I was codependent. As a sidenote, I mention in my video I believe I became codependent because that's what my research was showing. However, that's until I found out about my abuse from my family of origin as well as this explanation HERE.summation: I know memory issues are part of autism as well as mindblindness. If we had known he needed training to understand how his brain works, and I had training to communicate what I needed, the result would have been vastly different. Autism Experts - world's largest organization by and for autistic families
A DAY IN THE LIFE
Ever hear of a puppy that comes back after taking a licking? That's a great way to understand how I am - perpetual optimist who believes in not giving up. Over the years, I would ask JC for prayer and Bible study time. I mean, he would get up at 4 am to play basketball or 6 am to workout, so he has time for me, right? I would stand in the doorway of our kitchen hoping he would be on his way out to spend time with me. He never comes, except after having sex, he gets up early. * I quit trying.summation: sports and exercise are his special interests, and he could learn limits and share that time with other things.
After being discarded as the special interest of her ASD husband, the neurotypical wife is desperate to understand what is happening. She becomes obsessed with decoding her autistic spouse, though ASD may not even be on her radar for months or even years. She tirelessly strives to understand his myriad of unfamiliar behaviors that ultimately feel like a bait and switch from their earlier relationship. As his neglect and emotional deprivation of her needs continues in duration, her effort to understand him becomes more and more frantic. The NT wife simultaneously blames herself for his discard, and searches for an underlying source of explanation. Additionally, so many of his behaviors – independent of the relationship, but limited to home life – seem baffling and not representative of anything previously experienced.
When she eventually seeks out consultation to make sense of her lonesome relationship, her insidious despair, her relentless anxiety, her physical symptoms from ongoing stress that will eventually be diagnosed as chronic illness – her topical focus always circles back to her husband.
However, there is a key difference between the neurotypical wife and the ordinary codependent who is compelled to be a rescuer: the autistic husband masked during the early part of their relationship, before marriage. Why is this significant? Because it means that the neurotypical wife chose her marriage based on the dating dynamic of reciprocity. She did not get married with the notion of toxic selflessness on the agenda. She did not expect to spend her marital life obsessively researching psychology, neurology and developmental disorders, pouring energy exclusively into her husband – just to obtain basic insight and a modicum of mutuality from him. ~ The Special Interest of Every Neurotypical Wife
KILLING MYSELF SLOWLY
Back in November of 2018, I feel I'm killing myself slowly. Overworked, no one to listen to me, so I decide to take my kids on a nature hike. Before the hike, I stood up and blacked out. Later that night would be the first time my left eye went black followed by dizziness. It went away, but it took me a day or two to regain energy. Two months later, I am sitting at home and my left eye blacks out again on New Years. This time, it's very scary and is taking longer to recover. I head to the ER as recommended by an eye doctor, then an optometrist. While at the optometrist by myself, the doctor tells me I'm having strokes (post HERE). I head home to tell JC and his response was no different than if I had said I'm going to the store. * Stunned, I head off to cry alone and I decide to keep him at arm's length. I head to cardiologists, neurologists, and have my MRI...and process all of this alone. During this time, I also believe I have a major panic attack and went back to the ER as I thought it a pending "stroke".
Also, because of my "strokes" I have bilateral vertigo for nearly a year. I can't stand in the dark without falling over, or in a blank room or hallway. Showers are difficult because I can't close my eyes, or I fall. In order to protect my kids, I didn't drive, but being in a moving car the vertigo went away temporarily. It wasn't until my kids and I were installing the ceiling in my living room (up in the attic with overhead work) that it went away. I still have residual vertigo, but nothing like before.
FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS
After living in our home for about 17 years, my family and I did much for one specific neighbor and his. One of their family informed me that the Mr. had tried to hang himself years ago. Mr. made himself known the very first day we set foot on our property by asking us what we were doing. That set the stage for many years of intrusion, but I had pity on him. "Love thy neighbor as thyself". However, Mr. was a problem. He would get a ladder and mess with our gutters and downspout. He would come peek in my back windows in order to get my attention. In addition, Mr. was always telling me what to do and how to do it. I don't like Mr. very much, but I keep trying to be a good Christian. Then, in June of 2019, I decide to rebuild a lean-to on the side of our house that I had taken down a few years earlier after we moved in. You can see what we built here on the same exact spot. As we were setting up to build, Mr. decides he doesn't want us to do that. He pulls up my driveway nearly hitting me, unloads pavers and begins to claim the spot. He threatens to build a fence, I stand up to him by telling him we're allowed to, and it wouldn't cause him any issues. Next, he yells at me right in the face. I am advised to not engage him anymore. That same day Mr. yelled at me, we take our family on a walk, and he is standing out front. JC waves to him and greets him kindly. * To feel like I was stabbed in the back is an understatement.BUILD IT
After talking with the previous owner and an attorney, we had right to claim to the land, but decide to forgo legal action. I want a fence and want Mr. out of our lives (see our fence HERE). While we are installing a sidewalk using a tamper machine, Mr. comes over to the two of us. I walk away and JC proceeds to have a super friendly conversation with Mr. At this point, I can't believe my eyes and am hurt and confused. I then become the evil one in Mr.'s eyes, same as in other family situations. I'm seen as controlling, overbearing, yet I'm not the one who causes the trouble. This led me to have extreme anxiety as Mr. would always come up to our property when I'm outside. Being unsupported by my husband is very, very hard, I feel I'm going crazy. Folks, this happened in June of 2019, followed by the fence in August. Then, came the "strokes" in early November. Do you see a pattern? My body is shutting down from stress. Stress from my family of origin, my marriage, my raising unknown autistic kids.WHAT NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT
Some have wondered; how did I happen to have 8 kids (two in heaven)? Frankly, I believed that God controls the womb and the number we are to have. I don't love pregnancy (at least it seems pregnancy doesn't love me). When I became a Christian at 18 years of age, I dug deep to find out what God wanted of me as Christian woman. That led to studying more about being a godly wife as well, once married. I mentioned in my last two posts that certain books were my main source of information. Sadly, those books I read only help me get to a tough spot in my marriage and should not be used for ANY MARRIAGE - not just neurodiverse. I'm sharing more on this in my video below as a neurotypical wife. Hear more on Ephesians 5 by Sheila Wray Gregoire.I HATE DIVORCE
You see, thankfully, while studying about a neurotypical wife role, I found I exposed lies that have kept me in my way of living unnecessarily. One of the verses in the last few years I kept heading to is Malachi 2:16:"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. NIV 1992 My Bible
In historical data, this verse is only translated this way from the King James Version on. When in 1996 the Dead Sea Scrolls excavation finds the actual Malachi verse and the translation is incorrect. Martin Luther and even John Calvin had it correct, but for some reason it was changed for the KJV. Here's how it should read and has been revised in NIV and others since 2011:
"The man who hates and divorces his wife," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "does violence to the one he should protect," says the LORD Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful." NIV 2011
I always wondered how God would hate divorce when He Himself actually divorced Israel."I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. Yet I saw that her unfaithful sister Judah had no fear; she also went out and committed adultery." Jeremiah 3:8-9
summation: Look at this deeper with Leslie Vernick, HERE with Gretchen Baskerville of Life-Saving Divorceand BEMA Discipleship
SPEAKING OF ADULTERY
During my youth and adulthood, I learn that the only reason for divorce is either adultery or abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. With that in mind, that means for me the only reason I could divorce is adultery. However, that is only one way many have viewed Scripture. [caption id="attachment_42944" align="aligncenter" width="701"]
Read more HERE[/caption]
To be perfectly clear, I am not accusing JC of physical adultery. However, in my last post I mention after finding out I was pregnant with my third child that I didn't want to have any more children with this man. In that same year, my daughter became very ill as a young infant. She was not meeting milestones in weight and was defecating in green. I was on a fierce hunt to find the answer with doctors and test I had to set up. In the end, I end up putting myself on an elimination diet to find out the cause as I was breastfeeding her. After that, I found she had a gluten intolerance.
At that same time, JC was working on a car for a friend to earn extra money. One night after putting my kids to bed, I went to sleep then I am woke up somehow. I went to see JC and found him in our closet dialing someone. Concerned that something was wrong with family, I asked him who he was talking to. In the end, I essentially caught him calling another woman. I'm not going to elaborate.
EMOTIONAL ADULTERY
You can imagine my pain in that moment. His concern is for a young lady coworker who is upset/lonely that her fiancé is out west in the military. While I am beside myself trying to find out what is wrong with our daughter, he is more concerned for her welfare. When I confront him about it, he says that I was too busy with our daughter. * He says I wasn't giving him enough attention. * There was no apology, no reconciliation, and carry on as if nothing happened. * There is no more trust as he often talked about her before that. After these instances I take the blame to heart and after reading advice from a very prominent family ministry organization, I'm told to offer more sex so that he doesn't stray. Unfortunately, that causes me to offer myself as a sacrifice. I believe that I need to be a submissive wife, to help him in his need. I can honestly say that because I am taught and believe there is only one form of adultery, I wished he had actually committed the physical act. Apparently in autism emotional adultery is prevalent.summation: If we both had known about autism as a neurotypical wife, it may have prevented this whole situation. He would understand himself and also my needs.
MASKING
What is masking? When a neurodiverse person is trying to fit in to a neurotypical situation, they make effort to appear like their audience or social surroundings.- forcing or faking eye contact during conversations
- imitating smiles and other facial expressions
- mimicking gestures
- hiding or minimizing personal interests
- developing a repertoire of rehearsed responses to questions
- scripting conversations
- pushing through intense sensory discomfort including loud noises
- disguising stimming behaviors (hiding a jiggling foot or trading a preferred movement for one that’s less obvious) (source)
summation: Unfortunately, masking isn't healthy for anyone. JC could learn to unmask, be himself, and require less repair. Unmasking After Late Autism Diagnosis - Embracing Authenticity by Orion Kelly. As the neurotypical wife, I can learn to set appropriate expectations.
IS IT ALL BAD?
If you were to meet JC and I on the road, you would think us the perfect couple. He is very quiet, I'm definitely more outspoken. One of his means of showing care is doing simple chores. So much so that I can't stand him putting away the dishes after I ask him to sit with me. Showering gifts, or romantic dates or getaways never happen. His idea of love is sitting beside him as he watches his favorite team. * I'm not making fun, but that is exactly true. He also goes to work faithfully which includes one of his special interests - books. JC is very caring with our kids and is eager to help others. Also, his intelligence is astounding. One year when I encourage him to continue his education, he goes to visit the head of the dead languages department at Ohio State grad school. You see, he has a degree in Biblical Languages. He graduated top of our class and also won all the language awards. It's been nearly ten years since our college graduation, and he had two weeks to prepare to meet this dean. After only reading an advanced Hebrew book sparsely over the two weeks, she greets him speaking only in Hebrew. Because JC is only studied in dead languages, he has never learned modern Hebrew. As a part of his special interests, he listens to 1980's Hebrew pop radio. Not only did he understand her enough, but he aces her verbal test of him on that book. Talk about mind-blowing!! I don't know anyone else that could do that caliber so fast. There are many areas that JC excels in academically. Over the years I've often said, "he's book smart, I'm street smart". Though, I'm book smart too (wink).FINAL DISCUSSION
In my video, I'm sharing how I try to save our marriage one more time not knowing I'm a neurotypical wife in a neurodiverse marriage.
As you can see, this life as a neurotypical wife not knowing I am married to a man with autism has left me extremely sad, feeling alone, and wondering about my future. Is it JC's fault? NO. I think there is a wonderful world of people who are created in the image of God just as He planned. God makes no mistakes. I am 100% NOT PERFECT. Him not knowing himself or my needs. Then, also me not having appropriate expectations. It's a recipe for a mess but doesn't have to be this way for others. There is hope, there is help. It takes a willingness to try and loads of work. If you can't afford counseling/coaching, there are groups, books, podcasts, videos and more.
I hope to share more of my research pertaining to similar topics around Scripture, marriage, and family.
RESOURCES
- Neurodiverse Christian Marriages Network - Dr. Stephanie Holmes and her husband, Dan, are a neurodiverse couple that didn't come to the diagnosis until recent years. They have a new book, Uniquely Us that is wonderful, and also articles, videos, podcasts, courses - so much to offer and have been a huge help to me. They also offer course to those wanting to expand their counseling or ministry to include neurodivergent counseling.
- AANE - Asperger/Autism Network
- Barbara Grant - a neurodiverse life & couples coach. She has helped me even when not an official client.
- Leslie Vernick - biblical counselor for broken marriages
- Grace Myhill - neurodiverse couples coaching
- Jodi Carlton - neurodiverse therapist and relationship coach
- Wilderness to WILD - Sarah McDugal is an autistic mama who a survivor of domestic violence and child sexual assault with a hyper focus is developing evidence-based, gospel-aligned resources for women after abuse
- 5 Signs Your Male Partner May be Autistic by Jodi Carlton - a neurodiverse relationship counselor
- Navigating Late Diagnosis for Autistic Adults by Orion Kelly - a late-diagnosed autistic man shares hope
- 22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome by Rudy Simone
- The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to be a Better Husband by David Finch: a wonderful read written by a man who didn't let his diagnosis stop him.
MORE RESOURCES
- Life-Saving Divorce Book and her site Life-Saving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville - she offers groups on Facebook and help
- Flying Free by Natalie Hoffman - helping women of faith navigate difficult relationships
- The Great Sex Rescue and She Deserves More by Sheila Wray Gregoire
- Bare Marriage (read comments) - also by Sheila Wray Gregoire and full of so much wonderful information and awesome podcasts!
- Why Women Who Leave Lose Twice - I find myself in this article over and over again
- The Autism Effect on Marriage - a blog dedicated to those feeling the affects of autism on them and their marriage
- Autism Experts - world's largest organization by and for autistic families
- Emotionally Healthy Relationships (book & workbook suggested by Dr. Stephanie Holmes - a neurotypical wife)
- My Pinterest Board
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As always, I am in no way required to share my life as a neurotypical wife with you. Pouring out my heart so that others can avoid such a rollercoaster life is my goal. Maybe you're a neurotypical wife looking for answers. Or, maybe you're on the spectrum wondering what you can do better for your spouse? Let me know you hear me and feel free to ask questions. If I can't help, I'll find someone who can. Pin and share to get this out to those that need to hear it.
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Until next time!
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